Trinity passed away completely unexpected Friday.
We are in shock.Trinity makes only the second unexpected loss we’ve had. A friend committed suicide years ago. We were there the night before and the news hit hard because it was such a shock. Trinity had not been sick. Her eating and play habits had not changed. I just had Trinity and Tyler to the vet 5 days before and the only thing I was told was her glucose was a tad high but he felt it was from a very stressful visit.
Nothing new health wise. No changes. Heartbreaking shock.
She had always breathed hard and rocked when she breathed and always sounded congested since she was a kitten. I’ve mentioned it to every vet she’s seen. She went through that spell a few years back where she had 3 seizures but we hadn’t seen one since March 22, 2015. They suspected her heart then but the test all came back that her heart was okay. I know HCM (and saddle thrombosis) is common in Ragdolls but we don’t know for sure if they have Ragdoll in them. I was told HCM could come on quickly though in as little as 6 months so even if it was her heart it may not have shown on a 3 year old scan. She had struvite crystals but I was pretty sure that was under control with prescription SD food. I just bought new litter mats but they said they were non-toxic, EVA Foam Rubber and Leather. The vet said everything looked fine just 5 days ago. She acted completely normal for her. No vomiting. No lethargy. No problems walking. Not withdrawn. Eating the same. Weight the same within just a few ounces and she was not overweight. Abdomen felt fine to me and must have to the vet. No fainting or collapsing in the last 3 years. She still ran and played as much as any other 10 year old. She didn’t cry out at night like she was confused. She didn’t show any of the signs listed for a brain tumor. That was also suspected when she had her seizures. I can’t remember if they scanned her brain but in looking back at the films it looks to all be of her heart.
I saw Trinity that morning when she did her daily routine of flopping down in the walkway for petting. She didn’t follow me to the bathroom and stand behind the curtain but I heard her eating her dry food and told her (wet) breakfast would be served shortly. That was the last time I saw her alive.
I was trying to finish narrowing down pictures before a mentor helped me out for a 10:30 – noon appointment. I should’ve checked on both cats – especially Trinity because she didn’t come eat her wet food, and didn’t come in when I hollered out that I would was going to eat her (very little) piece of bacon. That was not super uncommon because she sometimes didn’t run to breakfast and of course we don’t always have bacon. Actually, if I knew it was her last day with I would’ve let her eat a big ole piece!
Then my mom texted that she had passed out 3x again but not to worry. Yeah right. I jumped in the shower and went to see my mom. My mom wouldn’t go to the doctor and assured me she just wanted to rest and to go on to my mentor appointment. When I left the appointment I went right back to her house to sit with her and try to get her to eat and let me take her to Urgent Care. I failed basically on both accounts. FYI if you’re worried about here. She was out galavanting with friends the next day, just like the last time. She makes the worst food choices and drinks less water than anyone we know.
When I went to leave for home my car wouldn’t start. Hubby came and jumped the car off. When we got home I stood out in the garage talking with him as he cleaned the battery cables and tested the alternator while eating a snack since I skipped lunch. Then I came in and worked even more on the pictures. This will be something I will always regret. I should’ve come in and checked on them both when I got home!
I saw Tyler and just assumed Trin was in the sunroom because that was her favorite place. Then I went outside to visit with out of town family that had come in. Just before we left for dinner I went back inside to top off their dry food and check on them. Tyler was under the covers again in the bedroom and when I went into the sunroom I found my sweet girl had left this world all alone.
She looked so peaceful but she didn’t move when I walked in. She would often stretch out like she was waving hello. She was laying like she’d laid thousands of times before. I called her name somehow knowing she was gone. When I touched her I knew she had passed away sometime hours ago earlier in the day.
Now I have a whole fresh list of should’ve would’ve could’ves to run through my head all over again.
I’m mad at myself for not searching her out to see why she didn’t eat her wet food that morning before my mom texted.
I am mad at myself for not searching her out when I got home at 2:30.
I’m mad at myself for putting her through all the stress of her vet appointment on Monday especially with the difficult time they had getting blood from her. Although I know I’d be mad at myself if she died and it’d been last year when I had their physical and CBC and had to wonder if something was off that we couldn’t have treated.
I hope she did not suffer. It didn’t look like she had, but she was alone and that breaks my heart. If I had been here and saw or heard her in pain I probably would’ve scooped her up and sped to the vet. That would not have been a peaceful end. Had I checked on her and found her passed before my mom texted I would never have been able to drive to check on my mom. It looked to have been more peaceful then what Skeamer went through, even though Skeamer lived a much longer life, living to over 17. Going to the vet then waiting and waiting and waiting there before she was merciful put out of pain. I’d like to think Trinity is with Skeamer but I’m not sure they would’ve liked each other.
We always wondered if Tyler went first if she’d be a different girl when she wasn’t being submissive to her brother. We knew from having her at the SC clinic overnight that she would miss her brother more than he would miss her.
Tyler is pretty jumpy everytime he hears a sound in the house. I took him to her side to smell her so he knew something had changed but we think he knew. When my hubby came in for lunch Tyler was even more needy than normal. He is moppy but I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that he’d be grieving too. I mean they knew each other from birth. He is walking around and looking for her and he just wants to be held. He’s going back and forth between us both just wanting to be loved on.
It was just completely unexpected and I’m having a hard time believing she is gone. I know I am not handling it well at all. It’s hard on those left who hadn’t mentally prepared for death during old age, illness or disease.
I looked back at the litter netcams and she used the litterbox at 6:14 am which is shortly after I saw her last. I thought about having a necropsy performed but she looked so peaceful and I just didn’t want them touching her. The only real benefit I guess would be if her necropsy revealed something about Tyler to watch for, since they were siblings because nothing would bring her back. Nothing would give me a do-over for that morning. Our out of town family left, and hubby built her a casket.
I had a bad dream about Trinity just a few nights before her death, where she got outside and was going toward a road and I couldn’t get to her. I hope I have good dreams and memories to come. My cats are my kids. This hurts, and even though my hubby always said they were my cats he loved them too- in fact he picked Trinity. He had his own routine with both cats that was reserved for just him and them. In fact more often than not when he was ready to leave for work he would come in the office. I could see Trinity listening for him. When he came through the office door she’d jump down from the bed and run around the desk, the long route, then plop down for him to pet her. It was their thing.
Remembering our Sweet Pea, PeaPie, Trotty Butt, Pretty Girl, sun seeker, Trinity. From kittenhood she’d sit upright with her tail laid over her front paws – we called it her princess pose. She would crook her head to the side quietly asking for some of what you were eating. Then try the other side if the first way wasn’t working. As she starred at what you were eating her mouth would move like she was already chewing it before she got some. When she yawned she’d already have her mouth wide open when her tongue would roll out like a party favor toy. She didn’t like anyone to bring their hand toward her head but she wanted her head petted and she’d headbutt things so hard you could hear it. When we were outside we’d get hissed at thru the screen or window even though I know she could hear us talking to her. If I, not my husband, but if I sneezed or coughed she’d chatter at me and give me an annoyed look. She had no problem with hubby doing it. She chattered at the birds and squirrels and never seemed to notice her brother lacked her hunting instinct. She would run crazy through the house and she’d flop in the middle of the walkway to be petted. Like she had a petting toll to let you pass. We joked her legs were put on upside down because she would inch worm herself across the floor on her back and she played with most toys upside down. She loved, cleaned, and watched over her brother (unless it was during a bath then he was on his own) and they’d snuggle. She finally started giving him back a little of his own medicine when he wasn’t nice to her. Can’t say he didn’t have it coming. Both of them would cry-n-carry toys to us and room to room. She was a thief and hid her toy stash well. She would watch sports on TV with her dad. She knew where they were but she preferred hiding them. We buried her with her favorite mouse. She could catch small soft toys- upside down of course. She wanted to sit with us but usually facing out, wedged in beside us in the recliners. You could call her and she’d come but only if you called her correctly…. Trinnnnahteeee. She didn’t like the new red blankets and if my hubby had on shorts she’d wait till he picked up her princess pillow and put it on his lap to hop over. She would like right at us then touch her nose to the bottom of the lamp shades regardless of how many times we told her to stop it. She absolutely couldn’t make a beeline to something. She had certain paths and would walk her path to jump up in the spot she wanted to – always on her terms. She knew what “let’s take a nap” meant and she preferred it if we’d feed her one piece of her food at a time. Now for nap time, she’d face me. If I was on my side she’d balance herself on my arm and tuck up content to be perched on top. If I was on my back she’d jump on my chest, usually announcing it like I might not know 10bls just ascended on me but then she’d lay down and get up move her butt closer to my neck and lay back down till her face was right up to my neck. Sometimes she’d take her paw and every so lightly touch my face. I’d open my eyes to her sitting on my throat staring down at me. She didn’t really like to be carried but I think she liked it when I picked her up and held her up close to my chin to say good morning, she’d just lean into me and be still while I rubbed under her chin. She cared about her brother and would clean him and cover his poo in the box for him. She was smart, well smarter than her brother anyway. She had an uncanny ability to block the computer screens with her body right where my eyes were trying to work, or she’d lay across my arm using the mouse. If I ignored her she’d grab one sheet of paper and jerk it out of the stack. If it was small enough she’d grab it and run, knowing I’d get the note back and play with her. She was a little vacuum, especially with her own hair. If she saw a tumble of her hair on the floor or on the edge of the scratcher she was on a mission to eat it before you could get it. She loved that scratcher and we saw her more than once bap her brother for trying to force her off of it. She laid in what we called her mousy pose with her neck and chin all the way down on the scratcher. She had a sneeze meter to let me know if I needed to vacuum. Once a week was pretty much needed. She would do a long exaggerated wave at us when we met her gaze or came into the room she was in. She’d take one paw and stretch it up and out like a slow how’s it going. She’d take both of her paws and cover her face and kinda stretch and burrow her face into the bottoms of her front paws before falling asleep with one arm left curved over her eyes. If I pointed my index finger at her she just had to touch it with her nose, but boy if you pointed at her to stop something she’d bap that hand with a quick and disgusted pop pop pop. If I put my hand on top of her paw, she’d pull it out and put her paw on top. I know if she’d have still been with us for my shoulder surgery she would’ve contributed to the pile of toys laid near the bed and kept a vigilant watch over me.
We purposefully had a whole house humidifier put in our new house on the furnace basically for Trinity. After she passed Tyler jumped down from hubby’s lap and he said he shocked him. I went to turn the humidity level up some more and low and behold this whole time we’ve lived in the new house with the humidifier install for Trinity I realized we’d only been adjusting the humidity for the AC instead of the heat.
It took me days to write this. My head has been splitting since Friday night. I’m already to the days of having to stop medicine before my shoulder surgery. Yet all I want to do is take something, fall into bed and wake up and it all have been a horrible dream. I can’t think of a better time to be cooped up recovering from shoulder surgery because there is nowhere else I’d rather be. Again after a death, I find myself reflecting on what is important. I don’t feel like being on social media, taking photos, or working on pictures. In fact, I just want to hermit with my sweet Tyler and my loving husband.
I emailed the vet for his notes Saturday morning, on their last visit Monday and wanted to read those before I posted this just to verify that he heard nothing unusually with her heart or saw anything that would’ve been a clue. I hadn’t received the email so I went by. He recommended running a BNP test on Tyler. I would have hoped that back when she was collapsed before we knew it was seizures, that would have been done for Trinity, especially the specialty hospital in SC that ran her heart ultrasound. I can’t find a result for a BNP test in their notes. Being possible Ragdoll descent and with her breathing issues and seizures, I’m really wishing that would’ve been done for both my two a long time ago. I’m having a really hard time coming up with wanting to take Tyler back in after losing Trinity just 5 days after a very stressful visit for them. Both vets I talked to, suspected she likely died of a heart problem.
I would like to have a life size steel shadow memorial like I had made for Skeamer but I don’t know who to ask to make one. I want to work on a video of Trinity, but I’m not feeling like even messing with my camera or photos and I’m feeling uneasy about sharing them. No one loved her like we did. I may someday, but no time soon. Next month Tyler will have his first birthday without his sister. I’m trying not to smother him too much but he’ll just have to get used to the uptick in kisses and hugs. I know I’m a mess and that some people will not understand being this upset over a cat. Well, she was NOT just a cat. My cats are my furbabies, my kids. It is probably a little harder this close to my dads angelversary but my cats are family too.
She was loved deeply. She was one of a kind. She will be missed terribly. She may not have lived a long life, but working from home since they were kittens we got to spend lots of time together. Just not enough. You just never know when your “lasts” will be until it is too late.